The WHAT talk?
by XxblondehermionexX
Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black give Harry Potter the 'sex talk'.


a/n: This was written for padfootsrevenger's 'the sex talk' challenge. You had to use 10 of their quotes and have someone give Harry the sex talk.

Disclaimer: No I do not own Harry Potter

The WHAT talk?

Harry had just packed away his 15th birthday present from Hermione, which was as typical a book. It was 'The Wonderful World of Wand Care' which Hermione had told him was a riveting read.

Remus and Sirius walked into the room he was staying in at number twelve Grimmauld Place.

"What have you been up to Harry?" asked Sirius joyfully.

"Just polishing my wand," he replied truthfully. "It's been getting a bit jumpy lately so I hoped this would help calm it down." Remus and Sirius shared a look that Harry couldn't interpret.

"Well I think it's about time we had this little chat then. Remus and I have decided that we need to have 'the talk' with you." said Sirius non bashfully.

"You're going to let me join the order?" asked Harry excitedly.

"No but this is about being a man," said Remus.

"A very manly man," Sirius added.

There was a long pause as each man waited for the other to start what was obviously going to be a very awkward conversation. An impromptu game of rock, paper, scissors was held to decide who was going to start.

"Ha! You just lost the game!" exclaimed Sirius. In fact it was Sirius who had just lost but as Remus didn't know the rules he took advantage of the situation.

"It's all starts with the story of a Doughnut and a hot dog," began Remus in a deep storyteller's voice. "A doughnut and a hot dog who love each other very much."

"Mmm, I love hot dogs," said Harry dreamily.

"Then would you like Remus to find you a boyfriend?" asked Sirius helpfully.

Remus glared at Sirius. "Why must I be the one to help Harry find a boyfriend?"

"Oh please Moony, we all know you've been after me for years. I still have that love letter you wrote me in sixth year. I just figured you'd have connections."

"That was PETER who wrote you that letter Sirius."

"Explain to me again, why I need a boy friend?" interrupted Harry.

There was a lot of stuttering and a few red faces when the two friends remembered that Harry was still in the room.

"Ah lets move on, this is a very important topic Harry," said Remus.

"It's about Voldemort's nipple, isn't it? Yes I know it has a tattoo of my face on it, I did watch him get reborn after all," sighed Harry, exasperated.

"Merlin's beard!" exclaimed Sirius.

"No it's actually Dumbledore's beard that has my name plaited into it. That is what this talk is about isn't it?"

"Right! Dumbledore's beard....exactly!" agreed Remus. "The power is yours Sirius."

Sirius still looked stunned from the very shocking discovery of Voldemort's body art and the not so shocking discovery of Dumbledore's beard. After all, everyone knew the 'greatest wizard of all time' did have an unnerving obsession with Harry Potter.

"Why me!" he whined. "Well if I have too...Once upon a time Dumbledore's beard fell in love with a pretty girl's beard."

"But girl's can't have beards," interjected a frowning Harry.

"Don't be such a muggle!" Sirius snapped back. "Haven't you ever attended 'the world's hairiest witches convention'? Anyway, as much as Dumbledore's beard loved the girl's beard she couldn't stand him and said "poke me and die"...Remus why are you being so quiet?"

The werewolf hadn't spoken for several moments and Sirius was starting to get worried. Remus usually couldn't go twenty seconds with out offering his opinion.

"I'm not quiet, I'm plotting," he replied.

"What are you plotting?" asked Harry politely.

"On how to best insult Padfoot. I know! Sirius you are a Scruffy looking nerf herder."

"Oh good one Remmy!" squealed Sirius. "Make it work!" Sirius seemed to take delight in being called a nerf herder. His eyes misted up in joy at having such a creative, if a bit lengthy nickname.

Harry gave a little cough and the two marauders jumped and noticed him.

"So we were meant to be having a talk?" questioned Harry.

"Uh yea, that's right," said Remus suddenly remembering. "Well let me put it in a way you understand. It's like quidditch, you shoot and you SCORE!"

At this statement Remus and Sirius gave each other a very exaggerated 'high five'.

"Uh thanks guys, that was a great talk," said Harry, not wanting to admit to his confusion. He stood up and backed out of the room, intending to inform Mrs Weasley of Sirius's and Remus's deterred mental state. As he left the room he heard Sirius ask one little question in a longing voice.

"Do you really think I'm a scruffy little nerf herder?"

THE END


End file.
